from now on my penis is your penis
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
