Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
