Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
