Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
