My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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