when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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