i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm both gender and math confused
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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