I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
