i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
