you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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