Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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