I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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