Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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