At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
