she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
