I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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