Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
