Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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