Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
