yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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