I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
