6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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