I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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