Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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