Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
