It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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