I haven't been this sober since birth.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
