sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
