So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
