i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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