someone threw a dead crab at me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
