I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
