New invention idea: vibrating tampons
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
