If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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