you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
