life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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