i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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