The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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