Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
