I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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