i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
