You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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