I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
