I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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