Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
