the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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