smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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