i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
