he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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