girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
